Should We Mediate Our Divorce?

One of the most important and commonly asked questions at the onset of a divorce is what is the best way to get divorced. Spouses want to know all of their options. Mediation is a less costly and generally more harmonious choice, especially when compared to going to trial. Whether it is the right choice for your particular situation depends on several factors. While the list below is not exclusive, these are the most predominant considerations, and only you and your spouse know whether mediating your divorce is a possibility.

One consideration which should not be overlooked is timing. If one spouse has recently requested the divorce, it is wise to give the other a cooling off period. Mediation should not be lined up soon after the announcement of the divorce itself. By giving your ex some time to adjust to the idea, you are also increasing your chances for a more successful mediation. Reaching an amicable agreement is easier when both parties are in the appropriate mind set. By not rushing into negotiations, you allow yourself more time to gather the necessary information you will need in order to finalize your divorce. These include documents relating to household expenses, real and personal property, debt, and any other assets you may have. This is also a good time to think about issues involving the children, such as time share.

When contemplating mediation, ask yourself the following questions. If you can answer yes to most of them, mediating your divorce just may be the best option for you and your spouse.

1. Do you both feel the marriage is over?

2. Have you exhausted all avenues in terms of attempts to make the union work, like marital counseling and individual therapy?

3. Would you both agree there was always a sense within the marriage that divorce might be a possibility?

4. Do you both feel neither partner is entirely to blame for the dissolution of the marriage?

5. On some level, do you still trust one another? Do you respect one another?

6. Are their children involved necessitating a relationship beyond the divorce?

7. Is it possible to have a reasonable dialogue with your spouse concerning issues related to the separation without a breakdown in communication or a toxic interchange?

8. Do you feel that each of you are on somewhat equal footing in the relationship as opposed to one spouse being more dominate or powerful?

9. Are both spouses in healthy mental and physical shape?

10. Are both partners similarly aware of the what the marital financial picture looks like?

If you were able to affirmatively answer most of the questions above, mediation may be a viable option for you. Choosing to mediate your divorce has many advantages over traditional litigation. It is less expensive, it is generally a faster process, it allows for more privacy, it is less stressful, and mediation aids in fostering a continuing relationship which is positive for everyone, especially the children, and other family members.

It is important to consult with an attorney in your state before making any final decisions when contemplating a divorce. In the event you choose to mediate, it is recommended an attorney review any settlement to ensure your legal rights have been protected.

What are My Options for Divorce in Florida?

Once you have made the decision that divorce is right for you, the next decision you face is how to go about it. There are several options available in the state of Florida and understanding the pros and cons to each one is crucial in choosing the best process for you and for your family. First, decide whether your divorce is contested or uncontested. If your divorce is contested, meaning you and your spouse have not agreed on every aspect of how the divorce should conclude, such as  finances, property, personal items, etc, seeking out an attorney is recommended. Likewise, if there are children involved, an attorney should be consulted. If the divorce is uncontested, meaning all issues have been settled between the spouses, a do it yourself process is more manageable and can be done for much less expense. Still, an attorney is always a good idea when divorcing. 

The following is a basic list of the options available in Florida when seeking a divorce, as well as a brief summary of each:

1. Trial:

is the most costly, time consuming, and emotionally draining means to a divorce. If it can be avoided, via mediation, or some other settlement route, it is highly recommended. Only 3 percent of cases actually make it to trial in the U.S. Often, a high conflict personality spouse will demand a trial take place or at least make it impossible to negotiate a reasonable early settlement. In these cases, it is wise to ensure your attorney is well versed in representing clients with narcissistic, borderline, or antisocial personality disordered spouses. While there are other known personality disorders, these tend to be the most common, and are game changers within the legal world. As a result, often the Court system is the only vehicle in which they can be dealt with effectively. Obviously not all divorces entail personality disorders but if you find yourself poised to take the traditional route of litigation, prepare yourself that it is a lengthy, expensive, quite often painful process where a Judge must make the final say regarding major decisions in your life. 

2. Mediation:

Mediation can be a less costly and possibly a more harmonious alternative to litigation when seeking a divorce. A mediator is a trained professional, sometimes within the family law field and often is an attorney themselves. Mediators are impartial and will advocate for what is equitable between the parties. They are unbiased and do not represent either side, and therefore cannot give legal advice. Their role is to facilitate the process by which couples can reach an agreement.

Spouses may work solely with a mediator of their choosing or can seek representation on one or both sides while working with the mediator to reach a settlement. The process is almost always speedier than that of traditional litigation. This is due to the fact that motion practice, hearings, and discovery for the most part are eliminated, obviously cutting down on costs as well. In some cases, mediators can help prepare the legal paperwork and filings necessary to obtain a final judgement. Just remember that if you decide on mediation in order to effectuate your divorce, the mediation sessions are not binding, and the mediator is not a Judge. In other words, if at any point one spouse feels the process is not going well, they are free to walk out and pursue other legal means. Mediation works best when both parties are willing to negotiate, as this process is completely voluntary. It can be frustrating to spend hours in a mediation, only to have your soon to be ex spouse get up and walk out over a minor issue they view as non-negotiable. A skilled mediator will do their best to help couples focus on their goals and interests as opposed to operating from position-only points of view.

3. Collaborative Law:

Somewhat newer and often misunderstood is the process of Collaborative Law. The goal of Collaborative Divorce is to give clients full control over the outcome of their case, while providing the same protections afforded to spouses during traditional negotiations.

Similar to mediation, the collaborative process is voluntary and does not involve a Courtroom or a Judge. It is intended to function as a more harmonious and faster means to obtaining a divorce. It is also considered a more discreet method in that couples are not required to file financial affidavits with the court. This can be viewed as beneficial to those desiring more privacy surrounding their financial affairs.

Keep in mind this process can be very costly. A main feature of the collaborative route is retaining the Collaborative Panel. The panel consists of paid professionals, such as financial experts, mental health professionals, parenting coordinators, and any other expert necessary to aid couples in accomplishing their marital settlement agreement and parenting plan. While less expensive than traditional litigation, the cost of the panel along with the fees of the certified collaborative attorneys can ultimately end up being exorbitant. The attorneys on both sides must be certified collaborative, and if at any point negotiations go sour, which can occur because this is a completely voluntary process, the attorneys and panel professionals must terminate their engagement with the case on both sides. Again, the frustration levels can become exceedingly high watching all the money that has been spent in fees go down the drain if the process is not successful. And because the attorneys and panel members involved are required to withdraw from the case in the event of a negotiation breakdown, couples must start all over again in their attempt to get divorced. This rule is intended as a protectionary measure put into place to ensure a safe and effective environment so that clients and attorneys are free to speak openly, and utilize other settlement techniques, which may not be as effective if the threat of Court was imminent.

4. Traditional Representation:

Spouses have the option of hiring attorneys or an attorney to assist them in obtaining their divorce via a traditional representative capacity. Essentially, the attorneys carry on the negotiations on behalf of their client, which takes place "in the shadow of the courthouse." For the most part, these cases settle before the matter can go to trial. Some court action may take place but for the most part, it is limited, as are costs.

5. Pro Se:

Rare in nature, this method means "do it yourself". While this may appeal to individuals looking to save money, it is not recommended if there are issues in dispute. It is possible to obtain a packet of divorce forms from your local courthouse in Florida. Depending on the county in which you live, some forms are more confusing than others. Additionally, sometimes not all the necessary papers are included within the packet. Courthouse clerks can be helpful in answering questions and figuring out the right next steps to the process but not always. Tread with caution.

There are also online services available which offer the forms required by the court but often an attorney is the only individual who understands what actually needs to be filed. Keep in mind that both online and local services do not always provide all the appropriate forms required in your jurisdiction.  

In summary, choosing the right process can be difficult. Gathering as much information possible regarding the different options available is crucial in determining your post-divorce success.  Interviewing attorneys should be on the to-do list as different attorneys take different approaches and it is important to feel like your lawyer is well suited and experienced for your particular circumstances. Other professionals can be invaluable as well such as divorce coaches. They are trained and skilled in handling the well rounded needs of someone going through the process. They often pick up where a great attorney may leave off, handing the emotional aspects, support in decision-making, as well as client advocacy. Although it can feel draining, divorce is not the time to sit back and become disempowered. Arming yourself with knowledge and a good support team are the keys to a more positive divorce experience. 

Coping with High Conflict Personalities During Divorce

The High Conflict Institute founded by Bill Eddy has been working on and studying high conflict divorce and disputes for over ten years. I recently attended a seminar hosted by Megan Hunter, High Conflict Institute speaker and author of several books, including Dating Radar, a suggested read for divorcees and millennials. Ms. Hunter gave an eye opening talk about the four most common personality disorders or high conflict personalities as she called them. She emphasized that these individuals often wind up in the family court system due to their inability to carry on relationships successfully and their trademark incessant need to blame. They are also characterized by their victimization of themselves, their inability to be accountable for their own actions, and their total disdain for the slightest perceived criticism. Importantly, Hunter stressed that one of the biggest mistakes spouses make is thinking they can change the high conflict personality spouse. Nope!

I found this information interesting because in my own practice, I often find that one of the divorcing spouses possess a high conflict personality. As a result, the landscape of the divorce itself changes. The following is a brief summary, taken from Bill Eddy's book, High Conflict People, of the four most commonly encountered personality disorders, including coping strategies and tips for successfully getting to the other side of your divorce when dealing with such.

1. Narcissistic - involves an extreme preoccupation with the self, a disdain for others, and a preoccupation with being treated as superior. Narcissists often make comments about wanting to be respected and cannot tolerate the thought of feeling inferior. They are demeaning, demanding, self-absorbed, and insulting.

2. Borderline - marked by extreme mood swings, fears of being abandoned, frequent anger, and manipulative behavior. Borderline personalities can appear overly friendly, but may shift to anger. The root of the behavior is a need to feel attached and included.

3. Antisocial - has extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain. Antisocial personalities break rules and laws, are deceptive, and enjoy hurting others. They are always conning and need to dominate.

4. Histrionic - is emotionally intense, similar to a Borderline, but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events. Histrionic personalities are suspicious, expect conspiracies, and will counter-attack first. They need to feel in control at all times.

It is not uncommon to see some overlap amongst the types above, and what most commonly characterizes these four types are an enduring pattern of blame. These individuals have a pervasive need to blame others for their internal problems, persuading outsiders that their problem is actually external, caused by someone or something else. Once the outsider sees the problem backwards, the dispute escalates into a long-term, high conflict situation. Few individuals except for the high conflict personalities themselves, can tolerate the intense, ongoing disputes.

Hunter recommends keeping an arm's length relationship with these individuals when trying to co-parent or co-exist during and after a divorce. If you can communicate a sense of being  "in it with them" as they try to manage their own lives, this will be helpful. Managing you own anxiety is also important. Avoid being too directive or too passive when around them, and try to adopt a no blame, no shame approach. Remember, their bad behavior is not about you! Even when they say it is! Like addiction, you are not a cause or a cure.

Dealing with high conflict people can be maddening. Finding and working with attorneys and mental health professionals who have experience with these types of individuals is crucial to getting through the divorce successfully. Becoming educated on the patterns and norms of these personalities will also help you navigate the road ahead and muster the strength to deal with them in the most effective way possible.       

The Top 7 Mistakes Spouses Make When Divorcing

1. Assuming the Judge will know what is best for you and your family. 

Unfortunately most people think that if they ever have to get divorced, they will be able to go Court and have the Judge take care of it for them. Inherent in this belief is the idea that the Judge will be all-knowing, fair, and make all the right decisions that are necessary for life after divorce. Wrong. A Judge knows less about you than you. Aside from traditional litigation being the most expensive means to obtaining a divorce, the idea that justice will always prevail is one of the major pitfalls that accompanies our family law system. Thinking you will have your day in Court and the Judge will vindicate all the wrongs done to you by your ex is unrealistic. What actually occurs is far less glamorous and that is because with this kind of thinking you have left your future open to the judgement of a stranger. This stranger may wear a black robe and be wiser than the average person off the street but she is nonetheless still a stranger. The more issues you and your spouse can agree on and settle outside of Court, the better off you are in terms of owning your life post divorce. And while this is not always possible, it is something to attempt before choosing litigation, the most costly method to dissolving a marriage. There are several options available when it comes to dispute resolution and I encourage individuals to become educated on the choices they have and what is best for them and for their families.  

2. Allowing the children to become involved in the divorce process.

This cannot be emphasized enough... there is no place for children of any age in the process of divorce. While children need to be reassured and informed of the basic necessary information like who is picking up from school today and whose weekend it may be, they should be spared the details of the divorce. Children need to know they are loved and cared for, and should be made aware that the divorce was not their fault. There should be no information exchange regarding an extramarital affair, financial indiscretions, or any fault finding matter that occurred leading up to the separation. Importantly, there are age appropriate ways to tell children about the divorce and many resources exist enabling parents the tools to know how and what to say when the time is right. Kidshealth.org/parent/talk/helpchilddivorce.html#a Breaking the news is an informative website which covers various topics about letting your children know that the divorce is coming. 

3. Disengaging from the process of splitting the financials even if you were not the one who typically handled the finances during the marriage.

Divvying up the estate is a sad reality of divorce but an imperative one nonetheless. It is crucial each spouse remains committed to the process and informed throughout. This is often a lengthy and overwhelming time and although it can be draining it is essential to walking away from the marriage financially in tact and ready to move forward. If you find yourself wanting to give up during this time, seek out a professional such as a divorce coach who can partner with you in getting through the negotiations and helping you to understand and organize yourself when it comes to the financial details. Engagement in the process equals empowerment, and empowered individuals engage in better decision making and move forward with greater ease. 

4. Overlooking the need to meet with an accountant or tax specialist regarding the tax implications that occur during divorce. 

There are many aspects that get overlooked during this period but need attention and taxes are one of them. Although child support is considered non-deductible to the paying spouse, alimony is not. There are special rules regarding support, and your accountant or CPA will go over this in detail. I always encourage clients to speak with a tax specialist early on. It is wise to know where you stand with regard to possible tax consequences and/ or benefits before you negotiate your settlement agreement.  Otherwise surprises may occur down the road and what you thought you were getting could actually be significantly less or more depending on the situation. 

5. Assuming your attorney understands the day in and day out of what goes on in the lives of your children when it comes to creating the parenting plan. 

 I encourage clients to be as specific as possible when it comes to drafting the parenting plan. Any ambiguities left open for interpretation can cause monumental problems down the road. Your attorney cannot be charged with knowing details like daily routines, family holidays and customs, vacation preferences, after school schedules, child care norms, and the list goes on and on. A seasoned family law attorney will know the right questions to ask in order to craft a solid parenting plan but you as the parent should take special care to include as much and as detailed information as possible. This serves to protect the standard in which your children are accustomed to living as well as eliminate future disagreements over any left out terms. 

6. Engaging in social media wars with your ex.

Despite wanting to shout from the roof tops what a no good, terrible bleep bleep your soon-to-be-ex spouse is, don't! Anything posted on social media, emailed, texted, etc. is fair game in Court and your spouse may use it against you. Be strategically savvy when it comes to anger and venting while going through a divorce. Both are necessary steps to getting through the process and I urge clients to do it in a smart way. Studies show that a venting session with a trusted confidante is emotionally more satisfying than engaging in a texting war or social media mudslinging, and there are no repercussions to worry about down the road such as an admonishment from the Judge or a negative impact to the children.  

7. Trying to go it alone! 

Divorce is not the time to become a one man or one woman island.  Spouses who think they can keep the ever complicated life balance in tact while going through a divorce without support in place often end up depressed, ill, and finding that their work performance is severely suffering, their ability to parent is compromised, and that their important relationships are in turmoil. This is because divorce is one of the top two stressors life can throw at us. Other than death of a loved one, the studies report divorce to be the second most difficult life event an individual can experience. 

It is also important to carefully choose who you allow into your sphere during such a difficult time. Well meaning family members and friends can be counter productive in the success of the process at times. Often they are too close to the situation and are biased in terms of the advice they offer. It is best to seek out divorce professionals such as certified divorce coaches, therapists, attorneys, and any other specialist qualified to deal with the situation at hand. And remember that each professional's role is unique and separate. Your attorney's job is to handle the legal aspects of the process. If a therapist is needed, they will engage in diagnoses, medical referrals if necessary, and delve into the past to resolve old wounds. A divorce coach will partner with you in order to strategize, create goals, plan for the future, and listen! And sometimes having that one person just listen to us while we are in the trenches makes all the difference.

Getting Through the Holidays Post Divorce

The holiday season is quickly approaching. People are starting to chatter about their plans, who is traveling, who is staying in town, who is hosting, who will bring what dish, what gifts the kids are asking for this year, and on and on. For some of us, in particular those who are going through or have recently experienced a divorce, these conversations are enough to make us want to crawl back into bed. The holidays can wreak emotional havoc on all of us, but especially those who are dealing with the inevitable changes that accompany divorce. If you are facing your first post divorce holiday season, then this article is perfect for you. Below are some strategies and tips for making it through without wanting to strangle Santa, as well as some silver lining thoughts for just how bright 2018 can be. 

1. Create New Traditions

For any of us whose spouse gets the kids this year, why not make your own celebration a few days beforehand? Who says the holidays must be celebrated on the designated calendar day? Kids will not remember which day of the week was celebrated but they will remember the spirit in which the holiday was acknowledged. A delicious meal, festive decorations, and fun presents make the holidays special. So if this is your year without the kids, pick another day and start a new tradition. I know some divorced parents that plan a trip for the holidays and even though the vacation doesn't fall on the official date, everyone feels like it was celebrated nonetheless. This time of year is memorable not because of the impending day but because of the people we surround ourselves with, the memories we make with food, gifts, and giving, and the overall sense of something special happening.

2. Make Plans in Advance

Knowing you are without your kids on the holidays this year can create anxiety. Alleviate the stress early on and make some plans for yourself. Reach out to family and friends and let them know you would like to see them. Take them up on invites and spend some quality time. Without the kids, you can actually mingle and enjoy the ability to socialize without being interrupted or worrying about what they are doing. When the sad thoughts creep in as the holidays get closer, you can rest easier knowing you will be busy and have something fun to do.

Another option to take your mind off the fact the kids aren't with you is volunteering. There are tons of local organizations that need extra hands during the holidays. Volunteering your time is a fantastic way to do some good during this time of year and it feels great knowing you are helping others. 

3. Seek Out Other Divorced Parents 

Various support groups for divorced parents exist, whether online or within your community. Being part of a group with like minded individuals going through similar experiences is a powerful healing tool. Hearing others' stories helps us remember we are not alone. Being able to share our own experiences with individuals who understand our circumstances is comforting, especially when they may be able to offer insights into what has worked for them in the past.

4. Enjoy the "You" Time

Let's face it, as much as we love the holidays, they can be exhausting! Not to mention, full of drama. I have a client who said she dreaded every Christmas knowing she was going to have to interact with her in-laws. After her divorce, she began to get excited around the holidays again. Just not having to see her ex's family was enough to allow her the freedom to be merry at Christmas. What a gift! And there are other gifts right in front of us if we open ourselves up to the new opportunities. For example,  if you could get an extra nap in here or there, wouldn't you jump at the chance? Now that you do not have the children, take advantage and soak up your new found "you" time. Maybe you want to see a movie, or read a book in peace, or book a massage. Whatever you have been wanting to do but could not find the time, well now you can! The silver lining to not always having the kids around is just that...you get a break! So enjoy it my friend. Happy holidays to you.  And remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder. With a little "you" time under your belt, the kids can be all the more adorable when they accidentally hit the neighbor's car again with their new toy Nerf Gun.