Coping with High Conflict Personalities During Divorce

The High Conflict Institute founded by Bill Eddy has been working on and studying high conflict divorce and disputes for over ten years. I recently attended a seminar hosted by Megan Hunter, High Conflict Institute speaker and author of several books, including Dating Radar, a suggested read for divorcees and millennials. Ms. Hunter gave an eye opening talk about the four most common personality disorders or high conflict personalities as she called them. She emphasized that these individuals often wind up in the family court system due to their inability to carry on relationships successfully and their trademark incessant need to blame. They are also characterized by their victimization of themselves, their inability to be accountable for their own actions, and their total disdain for the slightest perceived criticism. Importantly, Hunter stressed that one of the biggest mistakes spouses make is thinking they can change the high conflict personality spouse. Nope!

I found this information interesting because in my own practice, I often find that one of the divorcing spouses possess a high conflict personality. As a result, the landscape of the divorce itself changes. The following is a brief summary, taken from Bill Eddy's book, High Conflict People, of the four most commonly encountered personality disorders, including coping strategies and tips for successfully getting to the other side of your divorce when dealing with such.

1. Narcissistic - involves an extreme preoccupation with the self, a disdain for others, and a preoccupation with being treated as superior. Narcissists often make comments about wanting to be respected and cannot tolerate the thought of feeling inferior. They are demeaning, demanding, self-absorbed, and insulting.

2. Borderline - marked by extreme mood swings, fears of being abandoned, frequent anger, and manipulative behavior. Borderline personalities can appear overly friendly, but may shift to anger. The root of the behavior is a need to feel attached and included.

3. Antisocial - has extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain. Antisocial personalities break rules and laws, are deceptive, and enjoy hurting others. They are always conning and need to dominate.

4. Histrionic - is emotionally intense, similar to a Borderline, but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events. Histrionic personalities are suspicious, expect conspiracies, and will counter-attack first. They need to feel in control at all times.

It is not uncommon to see some overlap amongst the types above, and what most commonly characterizes these four types are an enduring pattern of blame. These individuals have a pervasive need to blame others for their internal problems, persuading outsiders that their problem is actually external, caused by someone or something else. Once the outsider sees the problem backwards, the dispute escalates into a long-term, high conflict situation. Few individuals except for the high conflict personalities themselves, can tolerate the intense, ongoing disputes.

Hunter recommends keeping an arm's length relationship with these individuals when trying to co-parent or co-exist during and after a divorce. If you can communicate a sense of being  "in it with them" as they try to manage their own lives, this will be helpful. Managing you own anxiety is also important. Avoid being too directive or too passive when around them, and try to adopt a no blame, no shame approach. Remember, their bad behavior is not about you! Even when they say it is! Like addiction, you are not a cause or a cure.

Dealing with high conflict people can be maddening. Finding and working with attorneys and mental health professionals who have experience with these types of individuals is crucial to getting through the divorce successfully. Becoming educated on the patterns and norms of these personalities will also help you navigate the road ahead and muster the strength to deal with them in the most effective way possible.